Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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