I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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