we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
