i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
