last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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