I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
