my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If I die, sorry about rent.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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