Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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