I will die if light touches me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
