hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
