Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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