we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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