My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize