My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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