Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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