I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
