I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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