but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
