That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
