is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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