we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
