If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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