you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
