i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
