I'm going to jail i love you
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
