so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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