as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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