I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
