I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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