No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
