Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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