everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
