Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
