I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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