Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Randomize
