i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
