the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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