you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
