You can't motorboat a personality
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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