Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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