You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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