I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
