I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
