i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so let's talk penis.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
