What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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