and i looked up. we had an audience...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
