If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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