so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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