I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
3pm strippers are depressing
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize