that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
