____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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