my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
