He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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