tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
