I got chris browned last night
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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