Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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