when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
