Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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