his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
