My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
