3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
