based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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