This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize